"Dave's explanation of the dreaded friend zone"
First of all, I want to preface all that I am saying with, I am not the best at advice. Most of my advice is from trial and error, pain and fire. And I can say at 28, I have never really had a successful relationship. But in all of this time- I can honestly say I have come to a conclusion of why I keep hearing the dreaded words, "Were just friends". Also I can vouch, that my opinion and hypothesis on the matter of women, is not sound. In fact, I bet if women would take time to read this- one third would say, "yes I agree", another third would say, "Dave you are wrong." and another third would be different. I know that's not mathematical, but that's neither here or there.
But all of that is saying, that I am going to explore a topic of relationships.
Me and a friend were talking today, and we disagreed over how to handle the whole, "Let's just be friends" thing. He believes that you can work out of it, with patience and just to lay low and work your magic. And then there is my camp, that believes that you have to make moves really early- to save a lot of heartache and wasted time. Here is why I do believe that I am right...
There is not a time, when you are friends with a female that you aren't going to think about relationship possibilities. Whether it is to keep your friendship platonic, or otherwise- you are going to set in your mind how it's going to be. And for me, I believe that it is unfair to her and makes you look really insecure if you don't bluntly make your intentions known. You ever wonder why girls end up with jerks? It's not because they like jerks, it's because they are the ones that make the move. I think all across the board upwards around 95% women like a man who is dominant. The other 5% are scary, and you don't want to get involved with them. But, I know that I am right about it, women are hard wired to be attracted to a man who carries something. ( I am not saying by any means, that I feel that way. I know I am not a ladies man.) Nice guys may seem safe, but they will always give out this vibe that you are just one of the girls. Girls already see that you are nice, if you are- and there is just no point in being over the top about it.
If you are playing the friends card, more times than not-- you are going to end up with egg on your face. There are instances, were it does work- and I know and have heard of those instances happening. But anytime there are feelings between two people, you have to be adult about it. And if she doesn't feel the same way, well you can do one or two things about it. You can either, A) Be friends with her or B) forget about it and move on. It may seem kind of cruel, but she rejected you- because she doesn't want to date you. And the trick is, that you can't let those things dictate who you are. And honestly it has taken me A LONG time to realize this simple truth... Why in the world would you want to be with someone who doesn't like you???
So why do guys fall in this trap? Well, the problem is two fold- One, women are confusing to men. They are completely wired differently, and science has recently discovered that they see things different than men do. (Not like we needed a scientific paper to know that.) And Second, we have live in a culture where manhood is becoming sensitized to a fever pitch. We see over and over in movies that men, are seen as hapless fools . But the truth is, that women desire and long for a man to act like a man. I know it's tempting to try to impress a female by lavishing her with unreciprocated attention , doesn't work .
Now, I am not advocating anyone to be a jerk. But what I am saying is that, we cannot let our fears of failure or rejection dictate our relationships. If a woman rejects you, you don't have to be a jerk about it- but, you do need to stay true to your intentions. Don't apologize for your feelings, and think it's wrong- you are a man, you like women. I have a theory that a woman, would respect you all the more if you stay true to what you say. And who knows what will come of that?
So how do we make our intentions known?
For a long time, I was confused on how to do this. Because I have heard the whole, "He made this move and it was creepy." line many a times. But what I think I have discovered, it's the delivery not the actual action of it. The truth is that women are hit on, ALL the time. So what you do, is not anything she's not use to. But the way you carry yourself is VERY important. It's not really complicated, you just have to be direct and to the point- leaving no room for grey areas.
Let me end by saying this, that having friendship with females can be a great and wonderful thing. So don't rule a friendship out, only if you know thats all it's going to be. One of my best friends, is a girl and she's married. She married a "nice guy" and I have learned so much by observing her, and bouncing things off of her. Our relationship isn't a romantic one, but it's perfect for me and her. We never went down that road, and I would slap her if she ever tried (It would be too weird.). I am by no means, advocating that you can't be friends with females. But, make those friendships completely different. I am not friends with a lot of girls, And by "Friends" I mean I don't go shopping with them, or spend loads of time with them. Why? Because I am a guy. If you just enjoy a girls company, and it doesn't turn romantic- there is nothing wrong with spending time with them. Those friendships are great, and yes, they can lead to something- But you shouldn't get your hopes up for it.
The bottom line in all of this wild rambling- is that you have to carry yourself, and sell to the world who you are. I am throughly convinced that it's going to happen, because of not what I do, but because of who I am.
Peace and Love-- and if anyone has anything to add let me know!,
Dave
